Drank a cup o' reality at 1:53 p.m. on Friday, Feb. 06, 2004
My home computer has been on the fritz again, thus the long absence. It seems like it has really been so long, and really only a few days. But, there is always so much background info… that just gets glossed over.
Once again, that is what is happening.
I’m writing this at work, with a classroom filled with 7th and 8th graders reading and I really don’t care.
Despite the minor bumps on the road, things at work this last semester went swimmingly. I have had a wonderful time and in some ways I have allowed myself to fall in love with where I am. I let contentment wash over me and I let myself dream about being here… I was just starting to dream about next year and the years that could follow.
It seemed to Mr. Math and I that we could just keep on dragging our feet on us because we had forever.
We don’t.
The Superintendent came into my room 1st hour today. It was an unplanned meeting and I was caught wholly off guard. Hell, I was sitting here reading the paper. “Can we talk?” He asked as he grabbed a chair. He proceeded to inform me that not next school year, but the year following the class size numbers would prevent them from keeping on staff who are not licensed 7-12. My license ends at 8th grade. I should “start looking.’ They will be glad to, “Of course write a really nice letter of rec.” Odds are that they will cut me at the end of this school year.
I almost cried in front of him.
I asked about my elementary license; I asked about creative scheduling; I asked about financial assistance with returning to college (!!). It all added up to nothing. He was being magnanimous and letting me know “early so that I wouldn’t be stuck.” Because, “You know, we don’t have to let you know until June.”
It was 10 minutes of sheer hell. And, then I see him in the hall this afternoon and he is being all nice and I just want to cry.
I just want to cry.
When he left, I went to Mr. Math’s room. He kicked out some kids and I cried. He’s been where I am and was nice about it. No, he was more than nice; he understood and was kind. My girlfriends are great and all, but I guess I really need him.
Interesting how you can see you life pass before you. I’m looking at all of the choices that I’ve made and the pile of events that led to this day. Right now I’m looking at my clueless students; those kids who I have formed some real bonds with. The kids that I have joked with about staying until I ensure that they go to college. The kids that I have gotten so excited about working with next year. You know I don’t want to leave that.
There are all of these plans that I was getting ready to make for next year…. it is so hard to not just say “screw it!” As I wrote out my lesson plans this morning, looking at my 9th graders, thinking… does it even matter… why try?
And I’m tired.
This has been a crappy week. Mr. Math and I fought last Friday night and I’ve been completely sick all week long, but dragged myself into work. The kids had testing all week, we had a snow day and a late start… it has been a crappy week from hell.
This just capped it all off.
I don’t want to tell my family because I know that they will want me to come to CA. My Mom will flip!
I don’t want to go back to California. I don’t want to start all over again.
I prayed for the big billboard with the flashing lights…. It doesn’t get much clearer than this… I’m just not at all sure what happens next and I really really don’t want to loose Mr. Math in the process.
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Old Married Lady
And now, I'm old enough for that. - Thursday, Mar. 10, 2005
I don't get it! - Saturday, Feb. 26, 2005
Stardom - Saturday, Feb. 12, 2005
many neuroses - Saturday, Feb. 05, 2005
the week of missed connections - Sunday, Jan. 30, 2005
Miss Spunky is:
a 25 year old English teacher currently on an extended adventure in Minnesota, searching for a good man with a big... truck!
I love:
My students, excessive amounts of coffee, Baja Fresh and a good hockey game.
I dislike:
Ignorance, mosquitoes, and people who write in IM and/or grammar so poor that it is clear that they are lazy. IM is LAZY, LAZY do you hear me???