Drank a cup o' reality at 9:58 p.m. on Thursday, Mar. 25, 2004
Yesterday was full of little stories and potential entries. But, I went to bed thinking mostly about the following events…
A few weeks ago Gretchen and I were talking about our college days (mine were 6 years after hers and in CA). I was in a reminiscing rut, which often happens this time of year. She said, “Oh, I’d love to go back… to be young again.” Which all got me thinking what I would do differently if I had college to do over again, if I could go back. Even if I went back not knowing what I know now. You know, I made a lot of mistakes mostly because I didn’t know any better or because I was afraid. But, I wouldn’t change any of that. Hindsight is 20-20, but I know that those mistakes made me a better person, a stronger person. If I had those 4 years to live over again I think that I would say “Yes” more. When Nadine wanted to take me to parties, when she wanted to throw parties, when I was asked to try out for something, or go somewhere, and when people were doing something ridiculous that I’d never eave heard of. I would have said, “YES.”
So, no, I don’t have regrets, that isn’t it. I just could have done more.
It led to pondering just what I did do. Mr. Math so clearly lived and loved college hockey. What did I live and love? If my friends were to remember me doing something, what would it be? On Sunday when I asked Andrea, she immediately said, “Oh, Spunky, you are all about this time of year. You are all over memories of Way of the Cross (our Passion Play), Choir Tour, and Common Ground (Wednesday night church). I see you leading Common Ground, right there singing Holden Evening Prayer Service.” She made me cry.
It was always this time of year that I was running around insanely directing 30 overly busy college students into rehearsals and trying to do bigger publicity than the year before for the Passion Play. It became a passion in my life. A hair pulling event, but a passion! Rumor has it, people still talk about it…
We were also gearing up our university choir for tour. Funny, I never had a Spring Break, I was always on the Choir Bus singing crazy songs, betting on who would hook up, reading Cosmo, eating junk food, painting nails, napping and taking pictures. This April, my university choir will be here in Minnesota. They will be over 2 hours away, but I’m going to see them and to the alumni dinner too (I know of no other alumni in the state… this could be interesting).
And then there is Wednesday night church. As I was talking to Shauna about this, I told her that our church really needs to do ‘Holden.’ She said, “We are!” Funny that it has taken us 3 weeks to have this conversation… So, I left dinner club early to meet Shauna at church last night. And, no, you can’t go home again. But you can try. I started off wishing that it was more like it was and once I got over that, I let the calm and comforting memories wash over me. I sat there in the pew and remembered the chancel of the university sanctuary, the faces in the circle, Tyler at the piano, the candles, and the comfort. Yeah, in reality I was sitting next to Shauna and glancing at the words because I just couldn’t quite remember them all; but when I closed my eyes I was in a life I lived and loved 4 years ago. I keep trying to describe it, and I can’t perhaps it is true that ‘the best things in life can not be seen or touched, but must be felt with the heart…’ for an hour last night my heart was back in my favorite place, doing my favorite thing at CLU.
It made me and makes me a little sad, not in a bad way, just in ‘a time keeps ticking’ kind of way. I doubt that I’ll ever be back in that place with those people; and even if we were it would never be in that way. But, it is good to know that I haven’t forgotten the way it all made me feel. The power of it all to heal whatever hurts me.
I am so grateful that I can, for a week or two, go to a place where I can close my eyes and be healed. Not that I’m so very broken, but a good Band-Aid with some Neosporin never hurt!!
As I’m piecing together where I’m headed it seems like a good idea to check back in with where I came from. Sometimes I forget.
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Old Married Lady
And now, I'm old enough for that. - Thursday, Mar. 10, 2005
I don't get it! - Saturday, Feb. 26, 2005
Stardom - Saturday, Feb. 12, 2005
many neuroses - Saturday, Feb. 05, 2005
the week of missed connections - Sunday, Jan. 30, 2005
Miss Spunky is:
a 25 year old English teacher currently on an extended adventure in Minnesota, searching for a good man with a big... truck!
I love:
My students, excessive amounts of coffee, Baja Fresh and a good hockey game.
I dislike:
Ignorance, mosquitoes, and people who write in IM and/or grammar so poor that it is clear that they are lazy. IM is LAZY, LAZY do you hear me???