Drank a cup o' reality at 4:23 p.m. on Thursday, Jul. 29, 2004
It’s true. I’m utterly, unapologetically, and completely a Monogamist. I am.
Like Charlotte I do believe in finding one man and loving him and him loving me. This is not to say that I believe that love is an easy verb. It is the hardest of all verbs much more tricky than those of the 2nd grade spelling list variety. I believe in 50th wedding anniversaries. I believe that none of this is archaic or old-fashioned. I envy the old couple walking the lake holding hands and still having much to talk about. I believe in work and commitment and honesty, all important verbs. And I'm not completely naive enough to think that love is always like a H*allmark or Diamond commericial. But, I do believe in the concept of a life long loving partnership.
This summer’s theme seems to be about adultery and affairs. It has even wended its way into my reading list: House of Mirth, The Horse Whisperer, Anna Karenina, and A Thousand Acres. I have realized how much I, the staunch monogamist, am surrounded by people, who I love dearly, who find monogamy somehow or in someway confining. I can’t help but wonder if there is an epidemic of infidelity surrounding me?
My friend Celece who I have known since we were in 8th grade has willingly been The Other Woman in an affair for at least 3 years (maybe more now). At 26, Celece has not had a boyfriend since high school. But she attests that she wants to be married and have children. Interestingly, even if Her Adulterer were willing to leave his wife and children she would not want him or them. In fact she even knows that she is not his only affair. Fortunately, she does not feel compelled to be faithful to Him and has had more than one one-night-stand. Yet, every time the attempt to end things she changes her mind and they get back together. When questioned about why she stays her reply is much the same as Mr. Math’s, “You just don’t know the power they hold over you.”
I contend that both Celece and Mr. Math give their Adulterers this power.
Mr. Math is in a similar situation to that of Celece with The Old Married Lady. The difference is that Old Married Lady has convinced him that he should keep waiting for her, that she will leave her husband for him. The rest of the town, of course, knows that this will never happen. Because then it wouldn’t be fun (although I doubt it has been much fun since my arrival!) it would be monogamy. Mr. Math is guilt-ridden because he does feel compelled to be monogamous. Until I arrived on the scene, he had not even looked at another woman but Old Married Lady for 3 years. He is 28 and his clock is ticking. He too wants to be married and have children. How do Celece and Mr. Math reconcile their life goals with their present entanglements?
Is infidelity the solution when monogamy fails to be fun?
Rachel, a former good little Mormon girl has had a Jewish boy who wants to give her the world for several years now. There seems to be some element of fulfillment or excitement that he fails to provide her with and so, she has cheated on him. This has happened on more than one occasion. Her Boy is a wonderful man and would of course be devastated if he knew any of this. Yet, I believe that she is right when she contends that monogamy is beyond her. Perhaps it is. Perhaps she is the most honest of all of these people because she can recognize that.
Mary, the art teacher at the Small-Sad-School, had a 3 year internet and telephone affair. This followed her husband’s 2 efforts at cheating on her. She seriously considered leaving her husband to move away with this man who she only ever met on the telephone. I know that Mary was searching for a kind of emotional intimacy that she has failed to achieve in her marriage. Yet, now that this affair is over, she chooses to remain with her husband. I wonder at her willingness to leave her husband for another man and yet her unwillingness to leave for herself. She professes that she will not have another affair and therefore lives vicariously through me.
I also have more than one friend who, despite a wonderful and committed relationship, yearns for a measure of flirting with others. This flirting finds its way into bars, the internet and the work place. How many of us knows, 'that guy,' the one who would never do anything, but will flirt up a storm? Where is the fine line between this flirting and more? Isn’t the flirting a betrayal in its own way?
Despite my advanced and expensive college education I fail to comprehend any of this. Finally, I have given up trying to understand it. It is; it exists; it is beyond me.
Here is what I just don’t get: On the surface these instances all deal with people who made promises to be in monogamous/committed relationships (many made it legal and binding) and yet when they found that relationship lacking or broken, they chose to undermine it further. Wouldn’t the logical or fair solution be to heal the broken relationship, add to the relationship or honestly walk away from it? I don’t see how fulfilling those desires elsewhere serves to accomplish anything but hurt.
Because clearly all of these people are hurting themselves, each other, other partners, their friends and their families. How is that a solution?
“What about you, Miss Spunky?” you ask, “How dare you climb up on your high horse and preach?” True, I haven’t ever cheated. When it became apparent that I would need to break up with College Boyfriend we were apart for 3 ½ months before I ended things. Conceivably I could have gone out with other boys, but the minute I looked at another guy and thought that he was attractive in ‘that way’ I knew it was time to end things. I did. This is not to say that I have not been a party to cheating, as I was when I encouraged The Farmer to cheat on Ugly Amy with me. And we all remember how excellently that all turned out. It isn't as though I'm gonna' climb up on my high horse and ride off from the aforementioned people either. Because they are all my favorites. (Did you notice? Almost all of my closest friends but 1 or 2?!) And because I don't know that I'm any better than them. My glasshouse is simply constructed of another color glass.
I’m not throwing stones, not exactly. We all live in glass houses of our own creation.
So, Rachel wonders if I am appalled or scandalized or disappointed. The thing is that I am, but I’m not. It is just all so completely far removed from my sphere of comprehension that I can’t even begin to get my mind around any of it. Perhaps this is because the verbs sex and love are so intertwined for me that I cannot separate them. Nor would I want to.
I’m not judging, exactly. I’m just trying to understand or explain why I, who generally possess empathy and sympathy, seem to have none for this subject. And thereby decipher why all if this is keeping me awake at night. In the end, I come up with all of these people who I love, people who love me in return. I see all of these people who promised love-- forever, and instead have left themselves with the flip side of that coin: hurt. Intentional hurt.
Therein lies the conundrum: people professing love and instead practicing hurt.
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Old Married Lady
And now, I'm old enough for that. - Thursday, Mar. 10, 2005
I don't get it! - Saturday, Feb. 26, 2005
Stardom - Saturday, Feb. 12, 2005
many neuroses - Saturday, Feb. 05, 2005
the week of missed connections - Sunday, Jan. 30, 2005
Miss Spunky is:
a 25 year old English teacher currently on an extended adventure in Minnesota, searching for a good man with a big... truck!
I love:
My students, excessive amounts of coffee, Baja Fresh and a good hockey game.
I dislike:
Ignorance, mosquitoes, and people who write in IM and/or grammar so poor that it is clear that they are lazy. IM is LAZY, LAZY do you hear me???