Drank a cup o' reality at 7:01 p.m. on Monday, Nov. 01, 2004
I resolve to be better about updating, mostly because I keep going to look up things all to realize that I never got around to writing about them. I hate that.
Duluth ended up being an interesting vacation. Suffice to say that I won’t be traveling with Mary any time soon. She is a great person, or rather; she used to be a great person. But, of recent, she is so crippled by the dysfunction of her life that I am afraid that I’ll get pulled into the swirling chaos… and having just recently gotten out of my own swirling chaos- I think I’ll stay pretty close to safety!
I really do hope that she can pull out of it and I feel bad for her. But, I also know that she has to do this on her own if she is ever going to be proud of herself.
Since our min-vacation I’ve been having some pretty clear realizations about my life at the small-sad-school. These last few months I will admit that I have been pining away for my life there. I sit at pull on the rose-colored glasses and think that my life would be different were I there. And, yes my life would be different, but I don’t think that it would be very good or that I’d be very proud of myself. Still, I’m striving for that happy medium between nostalgia and reality…
Then something happens like today. Today for the first time I realized how damaging on a deep deep level teaching at the small-sad-school was for me. This morning, I was to meet with the principal at Fancy-New School to discuss his observation of my class from a few weeks ago. While waiting outside of his office, his secretary answered a call from him and I was instructed to meet him in a meeting, which I previously didn’t know about, in another English teacher’s room. My immediate reaction was a gut-lurch in which I wondered what I had said, what I had done, what adult thing had happened and therefore why I was being called into this meeting- my gut yelled, “You’re in trouble—you did something wrong!!” Once in the meeting it was evident that appropriately, teachers were meeting about trouble kids and splitting up a bullying ring. The meeting had nothing to do with me.
Switch to finally being in the principal’s office and reviewing the lesson and my teaching practices. We are held to a rubric on a scale of 1-4 (underdeveloped-distinguished). As we are discussing my opinions of my work and his opinions of my work, he keeps scoring me at a 3 and 4 on everything. Not once was I scored lower than a 3. I kept waiting for the part where I would be scolded, where I would be told that I was doing something wrong. He wanted my opinions of my work and I kept saying that I feel like I have “room to grow” and “so many things to learn yet.” To all of this he praised me; he eagerly marked down 3’s and 4’s. And I sat there remembering being told that as a 2nd year-non-tenured teacher there was no way I could ever hope to score higher than a 2. (on what was there a scale of 1-5)
And you know what, as a professional (not that I was treated as a professional at the small-sad-school) I have not been sincerely praised. I realized, walking out of that completely positive meeting, how beaten down I was at the small-sad-school. My professional esteem was taken away and I was made to teach in fear—fear of being reprimanded for nonsense stuff, fear of being ‘written up,’ fear of being punished, and fear of being made to feel incompetent. No wonder things are so dysfunctional there. I am so sorry for those who I have left behind because they may never know what it is like to have an administrator they can trust- or rather one who trusts them!
Tonight I am grateful for my job. I am grateful to be in a place where I might one day believe that I am the teacher people tell me I am.
Oh, and FYI to middle school teachers: the N@tional Midd!e School @ssociation conference is in Minneapolis on Friday and I’ll be there! So will Old Married Lady! Will fur fly?? I’ll let you know! I’m also taking suggestions for catty behavior for me to subtly engage in…. think: passing her in a crowded room or standing behind her in line…even, if I’m lucky being in a group conversation with her (oh would fate be that kind?!?)
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Old Married Lady
And now, I'm old enough for that. - Thursday, Mar. 10, 2005
I don't get it! - Saturday, Feb. 26, 2005
Stardom - Saturday, Feb. 12, 2005
many neuroses - Saturday, Feb. 05, 2005
the week of missed connections - Sunday, Jan. 30, 2005
Miss Spunky is:
a 25 year old English teacher currently on an extended adventure in Minnesota, searching for a good man with a big... truck!
I love:
My students, excessive amounts of coffee, Baja Fresh and a good hockey game.
I dislike:
Ignorance, mosquitoes, and people who write in IM and/or grammar so poor that it is clear that they are lazy. IM is LAZY, LAZY do you hear me???