Drank a cup o' reality at 5:30 p.m. on Saturday, Jan. 04, 2003
Fuck it! Fuck Virginity!
I mean that on every possible level.
There is this point I have been worried about. Friends and I have discussed it in attempts to reassure each other. There was no clear time or age established, but we all have known that we were dangerously close. The point when Virginity becomes a dating liability. Yes, the Virginity is expected in high school and still can be explainable in college. But, at some time post-college it is no longer a quality to be proud of, it is a closeted issue and it becomes a Dating Liability.
It is a Problem. Like, “Oh, what is wrong with her that she is still the Big V?” It is an oddity where the Big V can’t help but feel that some misstep was made someplace in her dating history.
A point where, she, at 24 looks back on What Has Been and realizes, Fuck Virginity!
Growing-up we are taught all of these sweet things about Virginity. That it should be With Someone Special, Saved For Marriage, a Gift, and that girls who do it too young or too much are whores. None of those sweet things our parents and teachers offer do anything to help us when the real decisions have to be made. I can remember in 8th grade when Heather and Sean went to Sammi’s house during 7th hour to have sex because they didn’t want to be Virgins anymore. As adolescents we felt confident in calling them Sluts. What happens 12 years later to the 24-year-old woman who doesn’t want to be a Virgin anymore? She has been polluted by the teachings of her childhood and cannot have sex with the hook-up from the bar, just to have it done and over with. Yet, she doesn’t want to save it for marriage (she never believed that one) and is more interested in “giving” it to someone who she cares about and trusts than someone who she loves. Because love, at this point, seems a long way away. What happens to that woman, the one who would have gladly “given It” away to someone long ago, but as it was, circumstances didn’t work out that way.
I have been thinking a lot about The Farmer changing his mind. He created a situation I cannot win in; there is no way out. On one hand I know that he respects me for having waited. He knows that it is not something that I will do lightly or with just anyone who comes along. Clearly, as I had been making him wait, despite his persistence. Then, on the other hand, he doesn’t want to be the one to “take” my Virginity. So, it isn’t like I can run out and dispose of the Big V because then he won’t respect me; but he won’t do It with me either.
While on vacation my friend Patrick pointed out to me that for a guy it is a Big Deal to “take” a girl’s virginity. I can see why we make an issue out of It, but really, aren’t we all adults here?
In a way I feel like I am being punished for decisions and choices that were made 3 years ago. Clearly, I cannot go back in my life and re-live things to change the outcome. Plus, who knows if my life would be where it is now had different choices been made? My boyfriend in college, the one we still make fun of, and I made the decision to not have sex. Yes, it was much more a decision that he made, but I respected it. At the time we thought that we were going to get married and he wanted to Wait. Half way into the relationship we talked about it and then never really talked about it again. Looking back, I don’t know if I would want to have had my first time be with him. I was his first everything; it definitely would have been messy, painful and awkward for both of us. All of that coupled with his general sexual dysfunction would have made it frustrating. I also know that if he and I did have sex that since him I would have had several great partners and The Farmer and I would not be having this issue. Perhaps He and I might not have broken up Before. But, you cannot change the past. When The Farmer said that my first time should be with someone who I really love and see myself with forever I wanted to scream, “I was already with that person; it didn’t work. Please, don’t punish me for old choices which were made by an old version of myself.” I shouldn’t have to second-guess 3 year old decisions. I never thought that I would be in a position to have to re-investigate that college relationship. Ironic how I thought at the time that I left it rather baggage free, I guess I was wrong.
Fuck my Virginity.
Oh, and by the way, isn’t it mine?? Can’t I get to decide what to do with it?
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Old Married Lady
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Miss Spunky is:
a 25 year old English teacher currently on an extended adventure in Minnesota, searching for a good man with a big... truck!
I love:
My students, excessive amounts of coffee, Baja Fresh and a good hockey game.
I dislike:
Ignorance, mosquitoes, and people who write in IM and/or grammar so poor that it is clear that they are lazy. IM is LAZY, LAZY do you hear me???