Drank a cup o' reality at 7:41 p.m. on Friday, Mar. 19, 2004
I was digging through my archives this afternoon to find an old entry. In that quest I realized that the majority of both February and March of this year are missing. There are probably a lot of reasons for that. Interesting how I was so capable of writing about all of the foibles of my time with The Farmer and yet I cannot yet reach a point to write much about Mr. Math. True, it did take me awhile to start writing about The Farmer… but still. A lot is missing about my present life. Sorry.
But, I probably need to start writing again as my yucky facial Rosacea and heartburn are both back. I kid you not; I woke up at 11 PM last night and thought that I was going to die my insides hurt so bad. Probably it isn’t a good idea to chase a stressful day with the following combination: no lunch, traumatic drive home, frenetic walk around the lake discussing said drive home, corned beef leftovers, 3 sink-fulls of dishes, and a night cap of Tetracycline.
So, suffice to say, things fell disastrously apart with Mr. Math some time after Valentines Day. We have not figure out how to repair the damage. I don’t know as that we will. I don’t know if I want to. Yesterday I, for the first time, was jealous of his 45-year-old, married girlfriend. As you well know, that is wrong on so many levels I can’t even discuss it!
Anyhow, as I am grieving the loss of this friend and lover I am remembering events and conversations past. One night I remember him sitting on my couch telling me how much I am worth. It really struck me because I’ve never had a guy tell me that I was worth anything. I have always known that I’m a valuable person, but it is different to hear someone validate that. Sitting around last night, and for the last few weeks I have been considering my worth. What it means to be valuable. Mostly what it means to be valuable to myself.
This prompted the memory of an important story my mom told me about her relationship with my dad. Perhaps I don’t remember all of the details, perhaps Mom embellished, and perhaps time changes our vision of life’s events. But, the point is what was important. Interesting that I don’t know how Dad proposed, or why Mom fell for him, or why he fell for her; the family stories that become part of our collective family memories and lessons don’t tell everything. Or perhaps I just haven’t yet needed to learn the lessons that those stories teach. Mom told me this story a long time ago, I’m sure that I was a kid or at least a pre-teen. The lesson is clear:
Mom and Dad (long before they were ever Mom and Dad) had been dating for quite some time. Mom was in her late 20’s and Dad in his late 30’s. (9 year’s difference) Mom was in grad school, working on one of 2 Master’s Degrees. Dad done with active duty Navy and working at the Federal Prison; he had lived all over the world. The story goes that there was a conversation over dinner. How it evolved and played out I don’t know. What I do know is that at some point Dad told Mom that he just didn’t ever really see himself settling down enough to have kids and do the whole ‘family thing.’ Mom, an OB/GYN, knew that children and a family were utmost on her list of life’s goals. So, in a moment of absolute nerve, she looked across the table at this man she loved and told him that ‘it had been really nice knowing him and sharing life with him; but she did want all of that. So, thank-you very much for dinner; but you won’t need to call me again unless you change your mind!’ And that was that. Mom broke-up with Dad because she knew what she was worth and that she would accomplish her goals, all by herself if she needed to. Because, heck, she “knew the right people, at the right kinds of places!” The lesson speaks for itself. I can only imagine how hard a conversation that must have been, and how hard the subsequent days and weeks must have been.
Clearly that wasn’t the end, as they did end up becoming Mom and Dad; and have been together for the ups and downs of that ‘family thing’ for over 27 years. If I heard it right, Dad called Mom 3 months later. He knew that his life was better with her in it. But, that is a different lesson.
At any rate, I have always really respected my mom for being able to do that. I’m glad for the story and the lesson, I’ve been chewing on them a lot lately. When she gave me the lesson, there must have been enough strength in the telling to pass both on to me. Goodness knows that I need the strength in the lesson as much as I needed the lesson.
I also know that more than anything these last 2 years have taught me everything about my worth.
**Oh, and before I go. Those of you who have been around for at least a year might remember that this is an anniversary weekend of sorts. It was this weekend last year that I ended 24 years of Virginity. In its own wonderful and hilarious way that is a great reason to celebrate me!!**
current
archive
profile
my rings
guestbook
Credit
my best friend
render
dland
Interesting Entries
cast
101 things
age requirements
Old Married Lady
And now, I'm old enough for that. - Thursday, Mar. 10, 2005
I don't get it! - Saturday, Feb. 26, 2005
Stardom - Saturday, Feb. 12, 2005
many neuroses - Saturday, Feb. 05, 2005
the week of missed connections - Sunday, Jan. 30, 2005
Miss Spunky is:
a 25 year old English teacher currently on an extended adventure in Minnesota, searching for a good man with a big... truck!
I love:
My students, excessive amounts of coffee, Baja Fresh and a good hockey game.
I dislike:
Ignorance, mosquitoes, and people who write in IM and/or grammar so poor that it is clear that they are lazy. IM is LAZY, LAZY do you hear me???